omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
