just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize