Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
