I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
