Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you didnt know i had herpes?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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