just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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