She is in my trunk
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
