Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
