Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She swung at the pinata with crutches
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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