did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
