I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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