i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
