I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
