my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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