I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
