I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
