If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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