Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
