I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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