you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
