I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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