life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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