I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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