It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
