she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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