I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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