I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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