I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize