So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
