woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize