My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You were trust falling into bushes
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
