even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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