I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
