Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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