Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I want her autograph on my taint
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
