bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
