i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Boobs are out for the taking
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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