you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
