I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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