Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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