My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
