I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
