2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
