All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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