you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
