i need an iv and a liver transplant
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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