New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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