am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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