he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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