My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
