Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
