I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
