and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
