Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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