I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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