mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
