if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
