My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
