I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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