he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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