yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
