does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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