A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
