i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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