You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
