Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
