If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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