i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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